It hath happened again: St. Valentine’s Day hath reared its cupidian head and thou hast not yet acquired a gift for thy belovéd, nor dost thou have any intention of doing so. But abandon ye not all hope, for ‘tis still possible to escape the unthinkable fate of having to buy her something.

Herein be some chivalrous tips for any bold knight looking to avoid getting their lover a Valentine’s Day gift.

Get Called Away to a War in a Distant Land

There’s always some faraway war in need of noble hands to wield a sword in the Name of The King. No matter that the journey will take months and there’s really no reason to leave this minute. Simply pay a messenger to bring tidings to thy doorstop on Valentine’s Day morn saying thy immediate departure is of the utmost exigency. Then politely apologize and tell thy betrothed that the wonderful gift thou bought her will have to wait until thou returns from the war three to seven years from now.

Say Thou Hast Come Down with the Sweating Sickness

Doth it feel a bit sultry in here? Methinks so. The sweating sickness is oft known to onset in mere hours, so ‘tis the perfect excuse for getting out of buying a maudlin Valentine. Even better, thy lover will assume thou has mere hours to live and are highly infectious, so she will either care for thee as a babe, or leave thee alone and totally forget that thou hast not gifted her anything in years. ‘Tis a win either way!

Tell Her the Merchant Was All Out of Woman-Things

‘Tis rare enough to find a merchant who plies woman-things, seeing as man-things are so much more manly and important to the eckonomie. Who are womyn to be wanting such things anyway?

Give Her an Olde Goose or Something Lying Around the Stables

If thou art determined to get her a gift but doth not want to pour any effort or money whatsoever into the task, send one of thy serfs down to the stables and grab her whatever happens to be lying around. An olde goose, a rusty nail, or a half bale of hay shall work just fyne. Just tell her it was really expensive and came from Frankland.

Gramercy for reading Ye Olde Tyme News! Subscribe for free to bend thy knee before The King. Many benevolent graces wouldst be bestowed upon thee if thou were to tell thy friends – whether peasant or noble – to subscribe as well.