How to Explain the Gap in Thy Résumé to the All-seeing, All-knowing Orbuculum Conducting the Job Interview

Explain thy gaps with confidence, and without provoking the wrath of the Orb

Despite what is pictured here, never touch the Orbuculum until after you’ve been hired, unless thou desires thy darkest secrets to be exposed. (John William Waterhouse, Wikimedia Commons)

Many Dark Lords, Sorcerer Kings, and other demonic hiring managers these days conduct a pre-screening interview to see if a candidate is right for the job. Whilst these interviews typically cover basic topics such as salary requirements and vulnerability to arcane magick, they are often conducted by a powerful divining stone which can see all things that have come to pass, all things that are, and all things that shall one day come to be.

This can pose problems for applicants with a gap in their résumé who were hoping the topic wouldn’t come up until an interview with a less omniscient entity.

Here’s how to explain that pesky gap in thy résumé to the all-seeing, all-knowing Orbuculum conducting thy pre-screening interview.

1 - Use a résumé format that is difficult for Orbuculums to read

If thou hast multiple gaps in thy resume, it could behoove thee to use a format that helps conceal them from the Orb’s prying god-eye. Orbuculums have a hard tyme processing runic letters and anything written in the blood of mythical creatures. If you are schooled in Elder Futhark and have access to dragon’s blood, write thine entire resume in dragon blood runes and the Orb shall be none the wiser to thy gaps in employment.

2 - Focus on skills rather than employment dates

Mayhaps you only served in the Siege of Scúursgate for one year, and were unemployed and/or incapacitated for the remaining five years due to the grievous wounds you suffered.

The dates are not important. What’s important is that you learned valuable skills such as how to get trampled by a horse, how to get thrown from the ramparts, how to get scalding water thrown on thee from the ramparts, how to fall off a siege ladder, and teamwork.  

3 - Say you were dead

Formerly dead and now reanimated by a necromancer, of course. Reframe thy career break as “Temporarily Dead”, “Professionally Active Dead Break”, or “Exploring Professional Development Opportunities in the Underworld.” Whilst the Orb sees all in the realm of the living, its gaze cannot penetrate into the realm of the dead.

The downside is you actually have to die. 

4 - Say your family is dead

The Orbuculum feels neither sympathy nor compassion, but perhaps this can help steer the conversation away from the gap in thy résumé and towards thy dead family, the solemn mystery of which is sure to pique the Wise One’s interest. 

5 - Make savage growling noises then pass into an enraptured trance 

More of a delaying tactic. The enraptured trance shall give thee tyme to think of a better explanation for thy years of unemployment. Just make sure the job is not one where frequently passing into enraptured trances is considered a safety risk.

6 - Smear boar’s blood over the gap years to obscure them

If you don’t have access to dragon’s blood, boar’s blood shall suffice.

‘Tis not uncommon to be attacked by a wild boar en route to a job interview and have thy résumé smeared with blood after a fierce combat in the forest. With luck, the Orbuculum will overlook the blood-stained portions of the parchment and will opt not to peer assiduously into thy erstwhile lack of employment. Pro tip: be sure not to spill blood on thy contact information. 

7 - Own It

In the end, you would only be delaying the inevitable. Be honest with the All-knower about the gaps in thy résumé. For the Orbuculum shall find out in due course, and those who are foolish enough to try and deceive it shall pay a dire cost when it contacts thy references.