How to Diversify Thy Portfolio by Burying Treasure on Many Desert Islands Instead of Just One

Tymes be lean upon the high seas

“Yargh! Get down there and diversify my portfolio!” (from Buccaneers and Pirates of Our Coasts, by Frank Richard Stockton, Project Gutenberg)

Now, more than e’er, ‘tis important to manage thy money with a privateer’s shrewdness. Risks to thy financial assets — such as exposed treasure maps, rogue waves, and the Royal Navy — can wipe out a chest o’ doubloons or a schooner full o’ gold in an instant.

That’s why ‘tis important for every buccaneer to diversify: Instead of burying thine assets in a chest on a single desert island, bury them in many chests spread across multiple desert islands.

“Yargh, I can’t believe there was a tyme when I would bury me savings in a single hole on Dead Turtle Cove then mark it with human bones in the shape of an ‘X’,” sayeth Captain Lads “Barnacle Boots” Scrodswagger. “I be much more confident that me wealth is safe from that deck-licking scalawag Commodore Smith now that me investments be buried at Dead Turtle Cove, Dead Traitor Shoals, South Dead Turtle Cove, and a number of undisclosed locations in the Muskmother Islands.

“Takes a lot more bones, but it be worth it.”

Known as the “Pyrat Strategy,” this technique hath been employed by many a fiscally-conscious corsair upon the high seas. Herein lie some tips on how to pyratize thy portfolio to protect the hard-earned riches thou hast plundered from unsuspecting ships.

Dig multiple holes on the same island

Whilst not quite as diversified as burying thy chests on multiple islands, this may be the right choice for an early stage startup pirate who does not yet know how to navigate to other islands.

Don’t get drunk at every port call and tell everyone where thy treasure is buried

Since not getting drunk is out of the question, ‘tis safer to get so drunk that you are unable to speak. Remember to give the ship’s keys to thy first mate to prevent thee from drunk marauding after the bar.

Stop making the only guy who knows how to read maps walk the plank

As simple as it seems, sailing along a squiggly line with an “X” at the end is harder than it looks.

Bury some weird stuff that might grow in value

People these days have all kinds of strange interests, like art, science, and other things that are not made of gold. Throw a few paintings into thy treasure chests as a potential high risk-high reward investment.

Prioritize stocks over the gallows

Whilst being imprisoned and put on display in the stocks can be humiliating, it is nowhere near as bad as being publickly hung by thy neck until dead. If you are caught in the act of diversifying thy portfolio and have a choice of punishments, always go for the one that does not result in death.

Store thy backup treasure maps in a safe location

Gone be the days when a captain could pin his treasure map to the wall of a faraway tavern and be confident that no one would know what it was because no one knows how to read. ‘Tis much safer to store thy backup treasure maps behind the bar in a faraway tavern, where the font is too small for patrons to make out exactly what it says. Disregard if you have already made all the people who know how to read maps walk the plank.

Befriend the dolphins

Hard to explain, but when the tyme comes you shan’t regret it.

Don’t murder the guy digging the hole until ‘tis already dug

Diversifying thy assets is already hard enough. Why stress thyself with digging, too?

Because pirates appear in this review:

Tavern Review: I Was Stabbed by the Barkeep and Did Not Have Tyme to Write One on Account of My Wounds