How to Decorate Thy Hovel for Hallow's Eve Without Alerting the Inquisition to Thy Pagan Sympathies
Don't let the Inquisition ruin the Halloween magick
The Eve of All Hallows be a fyne tyme for us pagans to celebrate death, decay, and all that is evil. But the prying eyes of the Inquisition are ever looking for excuses to ruin the ghastly autumnal fun.
If thou art looking to put up some spooky decorations without worrying about all the interrogations and forced confessions of apostasy, herein be some tips on how to decorate thy hovel for All Hallow’s Eve without alerting the Inquisition to thy pagan sympathies.
Go Easy on the Goat Carcasses
A goat carcass or two hanging from thy balustrade is a fun and disgusting way to ring in the cold imminent grip of winter. But if thou hast too many goat carcasses decorating thy home’s exterior ‘tis a telltale sign that there be some sort of dead ungulate worship going on in there.
Dress Thy Skeletons Up Like Jesus
So thou hast the bones of the many innocent souls thou hast slain o’er the years just sitting there in storage, afraid to put them on display lest they draw the Inquisition’s suspicions? Fear not! Simply dress the skeletons up like Jesus and the fools shall think thee a Christian of utmost devotion!
Use the Extra Bodies Lying Around Thy Lawn to Make a Graveyard Scene
A graveyard on thy front lawn is sure to spook the neighbourhood peasantlings. ‘Tis also a great way to dispose of all those extra bodies you have lying around. Before you bury them, just make sure they’re actually dead first. An extra blow with the shovel and some tightly-packed dirt should do the trick.
Ensure Thy Giant Man-eating Spider Feeds Regularly
If a giant man-eating spider spins webs ‘round thy house to snag unsuspecting trick-or-treaters, ensure any humans she catches are eaten or disposed of posthaste. We wouldn’t want them screaming for salvation whilst the Inquisitors are passing through!
Use Regular Pumpkins Instead of Flaming Demonic Ones Procured from a Headless Horseman
If thy pumpkins are engulfed in flames and perpetually chanting incantations in Olde Elvish this may raise a few inquisitorial eyebrows.
Host Ritual Sacrifices in the Backyard Instead of the Front
What the Grand Inquisitor knoweth not canneth alert him not. In order to let everyone know where the party is, thou may have to put up a sign in thy front yard that sayeth “Human Sacrifice Out Back.” Just make sure ‘tis written in runes or something else the swiveling jossers won’t understand.