Historic Gingerbread House Demolished to Make Way for Sugarplum Luxury Hotel and Spa
Progress, or a Christmas tragedy?
TINSELTOWNE — A historic gingerbread house that had been standing since the Golden Days of Yule was demolished this Christmas Eve to make way for a new Sugarplum Luxury Hotel and Spa.
“We here at Sugarplum Luxury Resorts Inc. deeply respect the history and architecture of this towne, which is why the hotel will be designed in the Neo-gumdropian style the towne is so famous for,” Jashu Candlethwick, a spokesman for the company said. “Although due to safety code the building will not be edible.”
Candlethwick says the Sugarplum will offer the fynest in holiday amenities, including a rooftop hot chocolate tub, complimentary aerial sleigh rides to and from the port, and a brothel.
Whilst the Sugarplum claims to be the premier destination for Christmas Spirit this side of the North Pole, many locals say it commercializes and denigrates this once-sacred holiday.
“These developers talk a big game like they’re gonna infuse the community with Christmas Cheer, but I know a Grinch when I see one,” longtyme resident and magick fairy Yndriel Lightwing said, noting that this is only the latest in a series of holiday-themed development projects that have transformed the neighbourhood. “I can barely even afford an eggnog at any of these posh restaurants they’ve been opening up. And it only takes, like, a drop of booze to get me hammered.”
Jingle House was the last remaining cookie-based structure in a once vibrant holiday community. In its heyday, Gingerbread Street was inhabited by a diverse population of elves, snowmen, fairies, gingerbread men, and burnt-out alcoholic Santa impersonators. The neighbourhood was known for its bustling holiday celebrations in which carolers would take to the streets singing Christmas songs for days on end and licking the walls of each other’s houses.
But most of the original residents have been driven out of the neighbourhood by developers, whose gluttonous appetite for money and confectioned sweets has devoured entire homes whole and lined the streets with luxury apartments, office buildings, hotels, and faux mistletoe.
“I can’t afford to live on Gingerbread Street anymore, not with a toy-maker’s salary,” Peppermint Snowbiscuit, a toy elf and former resident of the neighbourhood said. “Santa would roll over in his grave if he could see what they’ve done to the place.”
For years Jingle House’s former owner, a gingerbread man named Edward Cinnamon, had refused to give in to developers’ demands to sell his property. But his fight to save his house came to an untimely end earlier this year when his head was bitten off by a reindeer.
“Ginger Ed was our last chance at saving this neighbourhood,” Snowbiscuit said. “He was a part of it, and it was a part of him. Literally. His body was made out of the same materials as his house. Physiologically I have no idea how that worked, but it meant he wasn’t going down without a fight.”
With the last gingerbread house gone and building permits already attained, Sugarplum Luxury Resorts Inc. says the project is full steam ahead, with or without the support of locals.
“At the end of the day, what we at Sugarplum Luxury Resorts care about is Christmas, and Christmas is about profits,” Candlethwick said. “We vow to pump Yuletide cheer into your sad little brains 24/7/365. If that doesn’t imbue you with the Christmas Spirit, well, that means you probably can’t afford it.”