Five Budget-Friendly Tinctures with Which to Poison Thy Stepson
...so that thou mayst usurp him as ruler of ye land
By Lillian Leibovich, Professionally Trapped Tower Princess
Stepsons, am I not right? ‘Tis never easy to assume illegal charge of thy husband’s kingdom, dukedom, or vassal state when his young, virile son is always trying to take his rightful place as heir. It may seem prohibitively expensive to rid thyself of this gallant nuisance, particularly when thou hast already spent thy meager allowance of one thousand peasants’ tributes on ye moste expensive poison for thy gregarious but ultimately useless bridegroom.
Fortunately for thee, I have ridden a mile in thy carriage and know that it is possible to be shrewd about thy nefarious plans while also being shrewd about thy finances. With all ye options available to evildoers nowadays, ‘tis unnecessary to splurge on eye of newt or organic dragon scales for use in thy potions. Here are five budget friendly tinctures with which to poison thy stepson.
Accursèd Mushrooms Foragèd by Hand
Ye standard apothecary selleth mushrooms for a large markup, but ‘tis possible to forage ye very same mushrooms with thine own hands. As a royal who hath never workèd a day in her life, thou art probably worried about dirtying thy hands. While such behavior is indubitably disgraceful, even for one who hath sunk so low as to poison her mate, just remember that thy misadventures will all be worth it when thou art ruler of ye land.
Month-olde Iced Cream From ye Feast of Sir McDonald
‘Tis known throughout ye world that Sir McDonald throweth ye best banquets. One cannot help but to enjoy ye food cookèd by his myriad servants. However, much of it must be kept cold to remain fresh, and there is simply no way to achieve this, despite ye best efforts of ye court magicians and alchemists. If thou allowest ye iced cream to melt and age until ‘tis a month olde, ‘twill become poisonous to ingest. Present this toxic concoction to thy stepson, who will be unable to resist ye prospect of Sir McDonald’s fare. He will perish within a week of infection.
Thine Own Poope
Given thy royal status, thou hast likely not interacted much with thine excrement. Thou probably art aware that ‘tis brown, malodorous, and easy to access after it exiteth thy body, but what thou mayst not know is that its ubiquitous presence throughout the peasants’ quarters causeth many deaths per year. Ingestion of feces is particularly harmful. ‘Tis lucky, then, that ye colour of feces is quite similar to ye colour of ale. Thou canst mix thy feces with ye castle’s ale and propose to drink alongside thy stepson. After he taketh a swig of ye ale, he mayeth figure out that it is contaminated, but ‘twill be too late.
Water from ye Moat
If thou wantst to diversify thy scatological assets, ye moat water is ye best place to look. It contains not only thy poope, but also ye poope of every denizen of ye castle. Furthermore, it already looketh like water because it is. Thy stepson is probably dehydrated, so he will welcome a sip of water with open arms. As has already been discussed, ingestion of poope is harmful. Therefore, he will die.
Bubonic-plagued Peasant Meat
Mmm, what tasteth better than ye peasant meat that all royals consume on a daily basis? ‘Tis because thy meat is locally sourced, grass-fed, and healthy. However, many peasants are afflicted with ye bubonic plague these days, and much like poope, ye ingestion of peasant buboes is unhealthy to say ye least. In this case, he who eats buboes will become bubonically plagued himself. Best of all, ye bubonic plague is highly unpleasant, so if thou feedst buboes to thy stepson, he will not only die, but he will suffer as well!
No feeling is nicer than exacting tribute and carrying out egregious cruelty as ruler of ye land. And with these tips and tricks, thou art closer to doing so than ever!
Lillian Leibovich ist a student of ye linguistics. Because she ist trapped in a tower, her tutor is her only friend, ye magickal tower possum, who himself hath a PhD in ye linguistics. Also because she ist trapped in a tower, Lillian hath much time on her hands, which is probably why her chosen hobbies art ye improvisation and crosswords.
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