On the heels of the Dark Army’s loathsome invasion of the Realms of Man, evil minion Bhlörkorav Chumn said he was hopeful that he would soon get the opportunity to die in battle for dubious geopolitickal objectives.
“For a while, I was worried I wouldst spend mine entire career lurking around the Shadow Realm and never get the chance to perish in a war which is being fought for reasons that I couldn’t even begin to comprehend,” spake Chumn. “Luckily, the Dark Army launched this lunatic invasion whilst I still have my best dying years ahead of me.”
Chumn added that dying randomly for no purpose whatsoever other than to satisfy the diabolical whims of his Overlord is every minion’s dream.
“‘Tis an honour to serve the Dark Lord and whatever demonic schemes he’s concocting to remorselessly toss us into next,” spake Chumn. “‘Tis the sort of thing the bards shall sing tales of for ages to come! Of course, the bards wouldst never mention a mere minion like mineself by name, and our entire side will be portrayed as the monstrous power grubbing blackguards that we are, but ‘tis cool to think of nonetheless.”
Other minions in the Dark Army see things differently.
“Honestly, I had a pretty sweet gig just sort of hanging out in the bog looking menacing,” spake amphibioid minion Hrup Hrupupo. “I met a nice boglady, and we had plans to start a family. But now with this whole ‘Final Battle Against the Forces of Light’ nonsense I’m most definitely going to die.”
“If the Dark Lord wasn’t such an ‘immortal and all-powerful demi-god’ I’d say we should overthroweth his ass.”
Hrupupo’s misgivings are echoed by many in the Dark Army, but Chumn remains optimistick that dying pointlessly in combat is the reason for his existence.
“I know my family wouldst be proud of me,” he added. “That is, if the Dark Lord hadn’t already killed them for not being evil enough.”
At ye press tyme, Chumn sprained his ankle on the march into battle and spent the entire war recovering in a seaside military hospital.
Now is thy chance to join ye Army of Darkness!
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