Everyone in Fellowship Assumes Dark Elf a Diversity Hire

Have Dwarf and Elf Inclusion initiatives gone too far?

Expressing subtle dismay with their quest’s hiring practices whilst exercising care not to let their colleague overhear, every member of the Fellowship to Vanquish the Dark Lord and Save the Realm from Destruction assumed the Dark Elf on their team must have been a diversity hire.

“He’s a great quester and everything — and I’m all for diversity in the Fellowship — but there’s no way he would have been hired if he was a Wizard or, gods forbid, a Man,” spake Hammerson Donbane, one of the group’s three Men. “You don’t see the Dark Lord worrying about diversity metrics, and he seems to be doing fyne.”

Dwarf and Elf Inclusion (DEI) initiatives have been a mainstay of questing fellowship talent management practices since at least the Third Age. But opponents argue they are largely empty gestures, allowing questing corporations to feign support for historically side character races whilst doing naught to get them into a non-dying role in the Realm’s preeminent quests.

“They told me they’d put me on a fast track to becoming The Chosen One,” spake Dark Elf Dúnryne Úr’Skald . “Instead, they’ve made me the point man any tyme we have to enter a cave filled with giant man-eating spiders or some bullshyt.

“And the worst part is, if I survive, they put me in charge of weekly inclusivity training.”

Even after they’re hired, Dwarves and Dark Elves still face obstacles when it comes to pay and promotion opportunities. Studies hath shown that Dark Elves only plunder 75% as much spoils of war as Men. And whilst 9 out of 10 Dark Elves have wounded an evil overlord in final combat, less than 10% of them were allowed to deal the death blow, which is often a key step in getting considered for upper management.

DEI initiatives may be imperfect, but experts say they are necessary for integrating traditionally evil-aligned races into the Forces of Light.

“When you’ve lived under the earth in a subterranean hellscape for ten thousand years plotting revenge on the wretched alliance of Men and High Elves that cast you down after the Battle of the Seven Death-Gates, it can be hard to integrate culturally with a fellowship,” spake Fynnfarin Greendoor , a hiring manager who is a quarter Wood Elf on his mother’s side. “But the fact of the matter is diversity makes our fellowships stronger. You never know when you’ll need a Giant to move a massive boulder that bars a precipitous mountain pass, or a Dark Elf to plot the violent downfall of a particularly toxic middle manager.”

Indeed, other companions have often found the skills of varying races to be complementary. A Man’s ability to stab his enemy in the neck complements a Dwarf’s ability to stab him in the groin. A Dark Elf’s immunity to poisons is perfectly balanced by a Halfling’s ability to drink, smoke, and do whatever else it is that Halflings are goode at.

Whether they support DEI initiatives or not, most heroes have opted to lend their swords to the cause and work together, for the goode of the Realm.

“On the bright side,” spake Donbane, “at least we’re not hiring womyn.”

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