Easy Ways to Meal Prep for the Week by Ordering Thy Servants to Do It Then Taking a Nap

Nourishment hath ne’er been so simple

Jan 06, 2023

(Amb. 317b.2° Folio 40 recto (Mendel II))

Planning and preparing thy meals is a fyne way to ensure hearty and healthy nourishment for the week ahead. But thinking and expending effort can be such a bore, and thou wouldst not want to risk breaking a sweat upon thy fair noble brow.

Luckily, the struggle can easily be offloaded to thy lesser-thans. Herein be some easy ways to meal prep for the week by ordering thy servants to do everything then taking a nap, going hunting, or otherwise enjoying the fruits of thy social station without having to lift a dainty noble finger.

Stock up on the four main foode groups

The first step towards successful meal prep is ensuring thy pantry is stocked full of the four main foode groups:

Mutton;
Mutton pies;
Ale; and
Pheasant.

Some dietologists argue that barley and grains shouldst be the basis of a healthy diet, but personally we wouldn’t put such peasant foodes into our system unless we’re specifically trying to stuff our faces in front of our starving servants to make them envious.

Indenture high quality chefs

‘Tis hard to find masterful chefs who are willing to sell their lyfe into thy service with no opportunity to ever again obtain their freedom. But with some patience and a keen tongue for talent, thou cannest certainly find a top tier chef willing to bind their lyfe and that of their descendants to thy name for eternity. Focus thy search on debtors and illegal Elven immigrants.

Take a second nap if necessary

Watching thy servants scurry around the kitchen doing thy bidding can be exhausting. If thou awakens from thy first nap feeling vexed by their incompetence, simply close thine eyes again and imagine they weren’t so useless.

Smelly pot

Must be avoided at all costs. Preference is to store thy foode in non-smelly pots if available.

Write a blogge poste about how thou dost meal prep

Perhaps the moste important part of the process is bragging about how thy meal prep practice is superior to the practices of those who cook meals day-by-day the olde-fashioned way, or, even lowlier, are too poor to afford servants and thus cook meals themselves. Nail thy blogge poste to the doorways of at least three neighbouring castles to make all thy rivals jealous.

Don’t stress

Meal prep is supposed to be fun. If thou constantly hast to flog thy servants for making mediocre dishes or seasoning thy meat pies with the wrong amount of clove, that takes the fun out of it. Just relax, send any underperforming cooks to the gallows, and enjoy the process.

Heard ‘round the Realm:

“I swear to God, Sir Elric, if thou didn’t bequeath me all of the mutton in the cupboard I am going to piss in thy helmet.”
-Sir Hobb the Hound, parting words to his deceased master