Easy Recipes That Only Require a Cauldron, 75 Servants, and a Fleet of Merchant Vessels to Sail the Known World Seeking Spices

Why hast thou not tried these yet?

A nice, quiet dinner prep. (Vincenzo Campi, Wikimedia Commons)

At the end of a hard day sauntering throughst the woods on thy steed and lounging about listening to the lyre, cooking supper is the last thing a lord or lady wants to worry about. It helps to have a few simple recipes close at hand that thy retinue of servants can whip up posthaste.

Well, we have thee covered!

Herein be some easy recipes that require naught but a cauldron, 75 or more servants, and a fleet of merchant vessels to sail the known world seeking spices and rare foodstuffs.

Dragon’s Tooth Stew

Some say the dragon’s tooth adds naught to this recipe, which is otherwise just broth and parsnips. But ‘tis the journey, not the destination, that counts. The more of thine underlings that are slain pursuing the dragon so thou might use its tooth in this stew, the sweeter the taste of victory shall be when thou laps it up from thy favourite silver spoon.

Bowl of Sugar

The medicinal qualities of this rare and healing substance are well known. But attaining sugar in sufficient quantities to satiate thy medical needs can be a challenge. First, you’ll have to colonize lands in a suitable growing climate, kill or make peace with the natives, and design a logistical system for processing and transporting the crop o’er great distances. Once this is complete, simply have a procession of servants bring thee bowl after bowl of the sweet white grain to spoon down thy gullet. If thou consumes enough of it, thou shall be feeling stronger and leaner in no tyme.

Smelly Pot

The recipe for Smelly Pot is simple:

1. Fill thy ships with exquisite spices and rare game from ‘round the Realm until their hulls sag low in the sea.

2. When thy ships return, throw all the ingredients into a single cauldron.

3. Order thy servants to stir the cauldron o’er a low flame for forty days and forty nights without food, water, or rest.

4. If any of thy servants are still alive after forty days, kill them so they don’t disclose the secret recipe.

5. Serve in a bowl with parsley for garnish.

‘Tis so easy it is a wonder e’eryone hasn’t tried it!

Nice job making it to the end of the Smelly Pot Stirring! Now ‘tis tyme to die. (Bartolomeo Scappi, Internet Archive)

Herbed Boar’s Tusk

Nobody actually eats the boar’s tusk, but ‘tis fun to watch thy servants scamper around the kitchen nervously trying to figure out how to make such a thing edible.

Iungle Iuice

Deep in the sinister jungles of the Southlands, they say there is a magickal nectar, every honeyed sip of which compares to a drink from the Holy Grail itself. Some claim this Iungle Iuice gives any who drink of it e’erlasting lyfe. Others claim it just gets thee really drunk until thou blacks out, vomits, and wakes up three fiefs over on somebody else’s horse.

Either way, ‘tis worth a try.

Coffee

In the land of the Blemmyae grows a magickal bean which one boils in water. The resulting libation tastes like mud, gives thee the jitters, and makes thee defecate uncontrollably, all of which are desirable in a drink. Seek this bean and thy mornings shan’t e’er be the same.