Church Begins Clinical Trials On New Strain Of Anti-Plague Prayer
'Tis a patented formula
Ye Church announced this morn that it hath begun a series of trials to test a new strain of prayer to help combat the plague.
“This patented formula of anti-plague prayer, when combined with a strict ritual of bloodletting and self-flagellation, can reduce thy chances of dying from the plague by more than half,” sayeth Chief Faithologist Neerbing Schaust. “We have the utmost faith that it shall pass all piety standards and be approved for use in tyme for the New Year.”
In initial tests, sayeth Schaust, side effects hath been limited to a few patients who levitated off their beds whilst their heads spun round, as well as “three or four outliers” whomst spontaneously combusted. But Schaust hath reassured the Kingdom’s nobility that his team will thoroughly test the prayer on serfs before rolling it out to people whose lives doth matter.
Whilst the new prayer will be able to protect faithful knights, nobles, lords, and even some prominent yeomen from the plague, it will not be effective when used by heretics or blasphemers.
“The faithless and morally unsound shall not receive the Lord’s protection during the initial rollout of the prayer,” sayeth Schaust. “In fact, they shall be killed for e’en so much as muttering the Lord’s name.”
He didst add, “Also, we’re not giving it to womyn.”