Christmas Tree Sales Beeth Booming, But Only Because We’re Cutting Them Down To Build Warships

Ye plague hath forced many a subject to reconsider how to celebrate this Mistletyde season. Rather than gifts, which moste couldn’t afforde anyway, they beeth seeking new ways to spread Christmas cheer. It did appear such sentiment hadst led to a boon in Christmas tree sales this fortnight past.

Alas, upon further inspection, the boost in tree sales only occurred because the Royal Navy is cutting them down to build warships.

In fact, ’tis now strictly illegal for any subject to useth a pine, fir, cedar, spruce, or cypress for anything other than warshipbuilding.

“His Majesty doth desire to spread Christmas spirit throughout the Realm,” sayeth Royal Economist Meethal Pickelgräber. “And ye beste way to doeth that is by conquering The King’s enemies and subjugating them under the Just and Peace-loving Hand of The Crowne. Henceforth, all trees beeth needed to strengthen the Fleet to that end.”

Pickelgräber didst add that the üptick in tree-cutting technically wast not “sales” per se. For all things in the Realm are the rightful property of The King, and He didst commander all tree farms the land o’er and simply claimed what was rightfully His.

“‘Tis as they doth say,” sayeth Pickelgräber. “‘Ye beste way to spread Christmas Mirth, is conquering kingdoms and ruling the Earth!”

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