7 Gifts to Give Thy Mother Without Violating the Whole 'Womyn Aren't Allowed to Own Property' Thing

Maketh it a Mother's Day to remember

She doesn’t own that horse, does she? (British Library, Add MS 20698, f. 63r.)

Mother’s Day can be a trying tyme. On the one hand, thou must bestow gifts upon the dame who birthed thee. On the other hand, ‘tis illegal for womyn to own things. But don’t let that stop thee from giving thy mother a gift she shall remember for the few short years she has left until Death inevitably comes for her, as it one day will us all.

Herein be some Mother’s Day gift ideas she is sure to love, which also are unlikely to violate the Kingdom’s strict prohibition on womyn owning property.

A legitimate heir

There is no thing a matriarch desires more than a boy who is strong of arm and stout of heart to carry on the family name. This one takes a little planning, so be sure not to wait until the last minute to get her a legitimate heir.

A song about bearing her a legitimate heir

If thou art a bard, a minstrel, or some other sort of “creative,” chances are thou art poor and cannot afford a real gift. Let that not stop thee! Put thy troubadourial skills to goode use for once and compose her a melody about how thou wilt bear her a grandchild in the near future.

A loom

If thou art tired of giving thy mother heirs every year and want to mix it up, buy her a loom for weaving tapestries that depict thy fecund lineage. This shall keep her busy whilst she is cloistered in thy attic at all hours of the day, and hopefully reduce the number of tymes she bangs on the floor with her broom complaining that you have not yet borne sufficient progeny.

An IOU for one heir

If thy womb is unfit to bring child at this tyme — or thy husband’s ashen spear is not stiff enough — provide her an IOU promising that thy womb shall bear fruit by next Mother’s Day, or else thou shall court a knight with more potent pip.

A bæsterd child

The important thing about begetting a bæsterd is disguising it as legitimate, despite the fact that it has the same golden locks and fair complexion as thy hunky bodyguard Garreth the Fyne. Not the ideal gift, but nothing that can’t be covered up by a little deceit and an assassination or two.

A gift certificate to Godfrey’s Loom Emporium

Thy mother hath not come down from the attic in a while and ‘tis probably tyme to re-stock on looming supplies.

Tears, shed on account of thy lack of an heir

If you’re already a sickly olde crone of five-and-twenty and have not yet produced an heir, the least you can do is show thy mother that you are fore’er saddened by this. For thy sadness brings her joy, and anyway thy sister has like twelve kids and thy mother has always liked her better.

What Mother’s Day is all about:

The Virgin Mary punching Satan in the face

British Library, Add MS 49999, f. 40v.