‘Tis the season of giving. But it can be a drag if you’re a poor. It can be painful to see thy well-to-do friends giving expensive gifts like oxen and new rakes when thou can hardly afford a flagon of ale.

No need to worry though, because we’ve found the perfect holiday gift for any peasant, no matter how penniless: a goat. Goats are cute, cheap, and pretty much wandering around everywhere for the taking.

Here’s some of our favourite Christmas gift ideas that are all a goat because they’re cute, you are poor, and you really can’t afford anything else.

A goat

From thine own herd, stolen from thy neighbour’s herd, or acquired in the wild, it doesn’t really matter. Thy beneficiary will be eternally thankful for the adorable gift thou hast bestowed upon them, and thy pockets shan’t be any lighter. If thou decides to steal one from thy neighbour’s herd, take care to avoid his goat dogs, for they oft go for the crotch.

A goat-scented candle

Can’t afford to give away a full goat from thine own herd? Instead, capture its goat essence in wax so thy friends and family can smell goat all throughout the season.

A goat that wandered into thy kitchen in the morning and ate all thy turnips

Goats are always coming and going into the corner of the one-room hovel that thou refers to as the kitchen. Get rid of the pesky intruders by giving them away to rummage throughst somebody else’s kitchen and eat their turnips.

A goat that is constantly sick and vomiting

By far the least cute option on the list, but also the cheapest. Give a sick puking goat to a fool who doesn’t know anything about goat health and cannot tell the difference betwixt a wether and billy.

Gift certificate for a goat

Hast thou waited till the last minute and cannot find a live goat to give? No matter. Simply write up a gift certificate that is redeemable for a goat at some future tyme. The downside is you have to know how to write.

A BleatBox Subscription

If everyone thou knows already has a goat, consider getting them a subscription to BleatBox. ‘Tis costly, we know, but each month BleatBox sends treats and trinkets that goats love, like a shirt to chew on, wattle wax for their goatbeard, and square sunglasses for their creepy square eyes.

So what art thou waiting for? Give the gift of goat today!