30 Over 30: These People Lived Past Age 30
Whatfore ist their secret?
Peasants. Noblemen. Primeval anthropomorphic treefolk. These are the people whomst, through grit, dark magick, or access to nutritious foodstuffs, have extended their lives past 30 years of age.
How did they do it? What are their tips for living at least to the ripe olde age of 31? Have they used those extra years to accomplish anything important, or did they continue doing the same inconsequential drivel they’d done since they were an inconsequential driveling child, but more of it?
Herein is our annual 30 Over 30 list, the most prominent subjects of the Realm who have managed to make it past 30.
1 - The King
His Majesty hath reigned since the dawn of man, and shall continue to do so for eternity. Though none can put an exact number on His Age — and others claim that He only recently usurped the throne from the previous king in a scurrilous manner, decreed any talk of this to be treason, and wiped all else from the his’tries — one must assume He is at least 30.
2 - Cedaor Oakenuts
This great lord of the Treefolk hath been stomping around the Kingdom’s forests for tyme immemorial. He says he owes his health to the primordial magick that infused his wood with immortality in the days when lyfe first sprang from the ground and the sins of man had not yet desecrated the earth and robbed it of its sacred essence.
He recommends this routine for anyone trying to get in shape.
Despite the occasional run-in with a woodpecker, he still seems to be going strong, and even quite enjoys a bit of a pecking.
3 - Fyrnra the Hag
This olde hag claims her secret to long lyfe is goode jeans. And also avoiding men.
“There’s a strange, magickal type of pantaloons known as ‘jeans,’ that if worn from a young age and ne’er removed or warshed, will help thee live long,” she spake. “I got me first pair when I was but a witch-child, and I han’t taken them off since.
“‘Tis as me mother (also a witch) always said:
Goode jeans,
Long lyfe for thee.
Smelly jeans,
The men shall flee!”
4 - Sir Anselm of Squattrack
This hulking, muscly mass of a knight hath used his many long years to educate other men-at-arms on the benefits of placing heavy weights upon thy shoulders, squatting low to the ground, then standing back up. He also recommends eating a clean wild game-based diet of wild hart from the Royal Forest, wild fowl from the Royal Meadows, and supple mints.
5 - Renny Longheart
Longevity doth run in this peasant’s bloode. Renny Longheart hath lived a long and healthful…oh wait, nevermind, he just died of plague.
6 - Cynthia Longheart
She actually just died of plague, too, whilst burning her husband’s plague-ridden corpse. Assuming she birthed one child per year of lyfe, as is standard practice, she was maybe 35.
7 - Sir Marwynd the Decrepit
Sir Marwynd originally died at 29, on the eve of his 30th birthday, but was reanimated by a necromancer. His second chance at lyfe was short-lived, however, for the necromancer deanimated him the next day after he refused to tip.
His family members complained, saying the necromancer had a responsibility to re-reanimate him. Tipping, they said, is already factored into the price of necromancy services, and adding an additional tip is merely a way for Big Necromancy to get away with paying their necromancers less. Alas, the necromancy firm he worked for also underpaid their customer service mages, and the complaint was lost in an interdimensional portal.
8-11 - Squire Chumslee and the Hirsute Bedfellows
When their ages were combined, this band of troubadours was easily more than 30 years of age. Unfortunately, during a recent performance at the Royal Court, after playing their hit syngles “I’m The King’s Son (Dad, ‘Tis Me, Thy Bastard Son)”, “Sweet Bastard Child O’ Myne”, and “The Royal Family Are All Inbred Swine” His Majesty flew into a rage and had them killed for reasons which are impossible to ascertain.
12-17 - The Wizards of Fyarr
No man knows precisely how olde these powerful sorcerers of the darkness are. But given their long grey beards, pallid complexions, and off-colour dad jokes, one must assume they are olde as shyt. They credit their longevity to arcane mysteries, the likes of which may ne’er cross the ears of any mortal without dire repercussions for all mankind. And also to the fact that their tyrannical harlots of wives have not yet granted them approval to die.
18 - Sir Shod the Alchemist
This alchemist hath concocted a patented elixir he calls the Humour Cleanse™. He claims that, when the elixir is taken simultaneously throughst the mouth, nostrils, and ænus, it clears the body of vicious malhumours. Whilst some proponents swear by his diet, many others complain it leads to naught but dehydration and sore ænuses.
19-29 - All inhabitants of the village of Ealdorton
‘Tis rumoured the residents of this village owe their longevity to eating healthy, exercising, spending tyme with loved ones, and not going to war every tyme the sea ice thaws in early spring. These claims sound a bit suspicious and are wholly unsupported by modern ſcience.
30 - Bertrand Mede
This shopkeeper died a mere ha’fortnight before his 30th birthday. But we’re sort of running out of people, so close enough.
Honourable Mention - Elves
Elves suck, but they live forever.
If ‘tis joy thou loves,
Then ‘tis joy thou shall spread.
Share with a friend,
Or ‘tis off with thy head!
Beste poste in a whyle!
Humour Cleanse is so last year. Plus it must be repæted whensoever the foul vapours waft through towne. So, like, daily. I saye we hold that Oaken fellowe in seige until he divulgeth his secrets for long lyfe.